P.A. Momma

And then you retract the foreskin....

How I spent my Saturday morning....explaining the above.

I have a glamorous life.

Yes?

Introducing....

The aquarium of doom....after much googling and discussion with the fish folks, guppies were purchased x 5.  Yes, we were brave and got both boys and girls.  Finny and Shark (the boys) are doing well so far.  Georgia and Goldie are also swimming right along...however, Gillian (Gill for short)...poor little Gillian, was looking less than perfect this morning before work.  Something between truly swimming and floating belly up, and by the end of the day had gone to the great guppy pond in the sky.  This was met by many tears and much heartbreak, and a formal guppy burial in the back yard.  And much reminiscing about what a smart and cute fish she was....she'd called our tank home for less than 24 hours.  So, poor sweet Gill, you were a smart and cute fish and we are very sad to see you go.  We'll try really hard not to send your brothers and sisters with you anytime soon.

Cinco

Life with a five year old....holy cow I can't believe he's five....has been humorous so far.  Recent conversations have included statements like "but I'm 5 now mom, I'm practically a growed-up" "being 5 is kinda fun but it's really hard" "I'm not sure I'm ready to be 5 yet mommy, they have lots of rules and stuff...."

Earlier this week we had pre-K graduation, it was an amazing spectacle, there was singing, dancing, the pledge of allegiance...a 4 year old announcing her undying love for my son.....apparently he's a bit of a ladies man, my boy...I'm curious to see if they can tough it out after the school year starts and the Connor heads off to the big kid school and the younger girl has to stay at pre-K and they only get to see each other at the end of the day for a brief few moments....  Ah, young love, sweet love.  At least this one isn't asking him to take his pants off.  At least his taste seems to be improving.  (and she is adorable with her 4 year old self)

So, I'm contemplating a fish...the boy has wanted a fish for a while.  I need a fish that is indestructible and will never die because he will get seriously attached and there will be many many tears if we have to have a burial at sea anytime soon...  So any thoughts on fish longevity?  Should I go with the good old fashioned gold fish or is there something better?

Mickey Mouse must die

Hey strangers!  How are ya?  Yes, we are alive, yes, we are doing fine, I am just a lazy worthless bum who, when she has time to sit down and put her feet up, prefers to instantly fall asleep instead of playing on the computer. 

We just got back from a week of fun-filled family time at Disney World.  It kicked my ass, repeatedly.  Naturally there were record highs in Orlando while we were there.  A 4 year old in the company of his doting grandparents and uncle at DW turns into a demon after about 72 hours....I spend half thetrip making threats to the little guy with my brother repeatedly saying "My sister's a B-word..."  Apparently it's his theory that you just let the little monsters whine, whimper, scream, etc...instead of beating them regularly.  We did have much fun and will have to go back again someday but oh my gosh is it good to be home.  I'm exhausted and need a vacation after my vacation. 

My child turns 5 in two days.  Did you see that?  My itty bitty  baby boy, in less than 48 hours will be a 5 year old.  Three weeks ago we registered for kindergarten....  I did not curl up in the fetal position and cry and suck my thumb...I might have wanted to but I didn't.  How can he be so big already?  How is it possible that we're about to start school?  I must have fallen into some freakish time warp somewhere that aged us all 5 years because he's still just a tiny baby in my eyes.  

Is it weird that drug reps in my office have started asking where they're going to be allowed to find me a man?  Is this my clue that I've hidden in the closet (not the gay closet, just a nice dark cozy closet thank you) for long enough and should open the door and join the world again? 

And one last suggestion for you all...if you ever volunteer to assistant coach something, say soccer, you should probably make sure you actually know the rules of the game before, someday, unexpectedly, your head coach can't make it to a game and you might, possibly make a complete and total fool out of yourself on the field...just a thought.....

Making love....out of nothing at all.

I was laying on the bed this weekend (in my fluish miserable state) when Connor said something to me along the lines of "awwww....look at the kitties, they're so cute, they're making love" which, naturally got my attention.  Quickly.  Because if they were actually "making love"...oh crap.  They were actually just sitting about a foot apart staring at each other.  Which is a pleasant change, typically if they are that close one of them is screaming and slapping and the other is growling...it's a love-fest for all.  Now, I did ask the boy where he had heard that and naturally he said TV...because that's where we learn everything right?  And while I do censor, somewhat, what he is allowed to watch, the terms "sex" and "making love" do pop up frequently (just not at my house....).  I told him they were just staring at each other but never explained further than that....so I'm waiting...it will come and it will probably be soon...  "Mom, what's making love?"  Err...something that only grown ups do when they're really really old and in love, and married, and have had lots of testing done to ensure that they cannot hurt anyone.....  God I love being a mother.

The wandering warrior is home and is fine.  We met him at the airport and attempted to meet him at his gate (yes, you can actually get past security for that!) but thanks to NWA spent a lot of time at the wrong gate and eventually ran across him in the hall...oops.  So much for the big welcoming!  He is typical Cap'n Crunch and is no crazier than he was when he left.  And Connor has had much, much fun...  The boy needs a daddy.  I know this because he told me last weekend he needed a daddy.  Really really wanted one, am I looking?  Why's it taking so long?  Am I just looking for handsome one's?  So, yes, even the 4 year old is making statements about my dating life. 

Now I'm going to go curl up in the fetal position under a blanket and whimper some more.  Damn flu.

Ode to flu...

I hate you.

You suck.

Go away.

Now.

Seriously.

You suck, get out of here, enough already.

Homeward Bound

At about 1:15 Friday morning Cap'n Crunch (a.k.a. Big Brother) called as his plane was taxiing to a stop in good old KY (the state, not the jelly).  I was call #2, mom was call #1 as she should have been.  I imagine most of you have never had the honor of hearing a bunch of GIs as they touchdown on their way back from war, or disturbance, or whatever they happen to call  it.  This is the second time I've had the honor and it''s something you never forget.  I wish I had a recording, not so much of him, but of the background with everyone whooping and hollaring....It's an amazing moment.  And a moment I hope we don't have to do again EVER.....but, well, we'll see.  If you recall Cap'n Crunch is a general contractor by trade, he builds houses when not playing GI Joe....he owned his own business but had to give it up when called active so he's coming home to no job in a crappy economy and is considering going back over as a civilian for the next year or so.  BLAH.  I hate my ex-sister-in-law....but that's a very long story.

So, Cap'n Crunch is now in Wisconsin debriefing and such (You, yeah you, you Wisconsin girl out there...if you see a slightly short but cute shaved almost bald army captain walking the streets feel free to give him a big wet one....even if it's not big bro it'll make his day) and will be home Tuesday!!!  Woohoo!!  Needless to say we're very happy and Connor is practicing his "kung fu moves" to lay out on Cap'n Crunch at the airport.  And now that it's all over, I cry every time I talk about him, go figure.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers when we shipped him off last year.

Ummm, HI!

Well, that was depressing.  New rule in my world, never blog on Valentine's Day...even if I'm thinking it's a good day.

Life is fine, we're fine, I'm babysitting a neurotic dog that needs to be medicated but that was the trade for the 4 year old and couple days of quiet so I guess I can stand it (dog #2 is just incredibly needy).

And here's a vision for you as we part ways.  Last weekend the boy and I were up at a state park for a picnic lunch.  We're walking slightly down hill across camping areas looking for a table by the lake when I stepped in a huge hole (covered in leaves, I'm not totally blind, yet) and went down fast and hard.  Connor stared at me and asked if I was okay (I was, just humiliated) and when I sat up I realized there was a pick-up truck with 2 guys about 50 yards away staring at me waiting to make sure I was alive.  The passenger gave me a thumbs up and I waved them away but it was so nice to know that little incident had been witnessed.  As I got up, Connor started picking leaves off my back, patted me on my butt and said "It's okay if you're a little chubby mommy, you're still beautiful".

Valentine's Blues

My little valentine has been kidnapped by the grandparents and taken to Kentucky for a 4 day weekend.  (my dad comes from a family of 11-yes eleven-kids and they've gone a-vis't'n)  Connor is in the company of a zillion adults and is in rare form showing off for one relative after another.  And I am home, in a very quiet house, reading sappy romance novels and watching Sleepless in Seattle.  And missing my little Valentine. 

Six years ago today I got engaged.  And we all know how that turned out.  And while I thank God daily for my little Valentine, on rare occasion, when I'm alone with no one yacking at me a million words a minute, I start wondering if I'll ever be "normal".  Will I ever find Mr. Wonderful to come home to at night after a crappy day at work?  Will I ever actually want to go out and look for Mr. Wonderful when it's so much nicer and safer in my wonderful little house where everyone loves eachother and nobody lies (well okay, so maybe telling me the cat at his cookie the other night was a lie....but no serious lies), and nobody gets their heart broken....

Blah, I'm becoming anti-valentine in my old age.

Kids say the darndest things: Volume XXVII

The scene, my bedroom, bedtime coming quickly, the boy trying and failing to get the zipper up on his fuzzy footed jammies and asks mom to help.  "but don't zip up my gina"  "your what?????!!!"  "my gina, don't zip up my gina in the zipper" "buddy what's your gina?"  "My gina mommy!!!" (said like a teenager who thinks their mom is just a total idiot while point at his boy parts)  "Umm bud, who told you that was a gina?"  "my friend at my old school said it was called a bagina...."

And so we had to have a little talk, and then explain (briefly!) where a VAgina is and that's where babies come from...  Can't say I expected to have to clarify the term vagina to my 4 year old son.....

Yesterday morning I was called to daycare to retrieve my puking son who then got to  spend the day at my office and was SOOOO not sick (he's got a little URI/snotty head thing and I think he just gagged on gunk).  At the lunchtable, in my office, co-workers surrounding us, I asked if he wanted part of my turkey roll-up and he responded "no thank you mommy, those things make you toot a lot"  I may have to change jobs......